February 7, 2011

Genesis 2:18  “It is not good for man to be alone.”

When I was a child I was one of those second born kids that NEVER wanted to be alone.  I didn’t like it when my mom when to the bathroom without me (somehow I’ve birthed two just like me!) let alone leave me with a sitter or God forbid to play alone in my room!  I didn’t like to be alone at all!  I remember this deep alone feeling inside of me.  I don’t think my mother recognized it as a God put there need, but I now know it was.

This past weekend I attempted to attend some homecoming activities at my alma mater.  My husband was able to attend a chapel service with me on Friday and then on Saturday I was invited to attend an alumni banquet, but due to child care we couldn’t both attend…so I went alone.  I was good, after all, I was the only one of us that attended this school and although my husband knew other alums, this was more my turf and I’d be fine going alone.  HA!  When I arrived my kind friend came and gave me the ticket he had for me, but I wasn’t seated with him at his assigned table – I was alone.  I graciously said thank you and went on to find someone I knew…somewhere…anywhere…I began to get that yucky alone feeling again that had felt so familiar on that campus.  I hadn’t had that feeling in so long (I am hardly ever alone anymore as I’m a homeschooling mom for crying out loud!).  I was grown and alone in a crowd.  I knew only a handful of people and none of them that I knew well had open spots at their tables.  It was so very uncomfortable, so much so that I decided to leave and go home to my family. 

As I was driving home on the treacherous roads of my post blizzard city after being a the event for all of 15 minutes and I began to question why I even tried to go the dinner.  I started to feel like I had really messed up and wasted a lot of my precious weekend, leaving my family and then I realized how much more I appreciated my husband and children and how I truly am complete in my life because I am “with” them. 

Being “with” my family meets many of the aloneness needs that I have felt in my life (In my teen and adult years I grew to love my alone time and I still do), but when a person is received by others and truly wanted, something changes inside.  They are at rest.  I was at rest.  Needs are met when we are “with”.  It is relationships that remove aloneness; not a crowd, or technology, or Facebook.  Some of these quick fixes actually make a person feel more alone after they have tried to fill the need.  The point is that God put the need to be “with” inside each of us.  To be “with” Him of course and to be “with” others.  Until recently I felt like there was something wrong with me when I felt alone.  As I child I was told that I should be able to be happy all by myself.   It is freeing to know now that there isn’t anything wrong with me (at least not in this area 🙂 but that I have a super strong need to be “with” and a need for relationships.  I have more thoughts on this with/alone concept….but I’m off to be with my kids – they need me…again and I’m happy now to fill that need (and yes, I do have to remind myself of this at times!).

A changed season for me - E. was 2 here!

I’m currently reading a wonderful book by Sally Clarkson on Seasons of Motherhood and the perspective it is giving me is so timely.  Seasons do change – in weather and in our lives, but often I’m not even paying attention and then whammo – everything is different. 

I have a sweet friend, I’ll call her Sunshine, that shared a thought with me years ago about life seasons. Allow me to expound as best I can.  Emotionally our hearts are in various seasons and these do not necessarily correspond with nature’s seasons.  When my heart is lite and the world around me is in new bloom of beauty – I’m experiencing spring.  Or if all around is dim and bleak and I don’t see any “life” it is winter in my heart.  The best part of Sunshine’s revelation to my heart is that these seasons do change!  And typically move in the same order: Winter, Spring, Summer, Autumn. 

The caveat in emotional seasons that I’ve found is that they don’t have a 3 month cycle as natural seasons do here in Oklahoma.  Sometimes I may feel like I live in Narnia, “always winter, but never Christmas”.  Somehow when I’m stuck in Spring or summer I’m less likely to notice and complain!  Winter is such a hard season.  I have friends in emotional winter right now and it is a hard season, but necessary in our hearts.  I like the other three seasons much better, but winter allows our hearts to reach down into the depth of our “earth (where true life is)” and our energy is able to focused on building and establishing roots deep within.  Blossoms and fruit will not exist in bounty until a root system is established. (See I do know a little about gardening – more on that later). 

My exhortation today, Allow each season to transpire in your heart.  If you are in winter, put a fire on and snuggle up with a blanket and your Bible – establish the roots your Father is encouraging.  If Spring, share the bounty of beauty with a friend and relish in your “spring” of new growth remembering that growing pains are normal!  Summer, oh sweet summer – it gets hot out there so remember in all the freedom to refresh at His well of life and don’t let life be squelched out by withering heat.  And Fall, oh it is my favorite in nature.  In my heart Fall seems to be when I sense change coming but nothing in the natural seems to be taking place.  It is a strange time of anticipation.  It is also a time when fear tries to creep in my heart – but stand firm.  God does not change.  Have faith and know that each season does come and each season goes, but the one thing that stays the same is our God.

 And thank you sweet Sunshine, for sharing this concept with me so many years ago. You are a 4 season friend and I love you!

the finality of it all

January 8, 2011

As of yesterday we are officially done.  Done having more children that is.  In all that is going on in our lives it has not even been a focal point for me or my man.  It was on the calendar and that was about it, until about 3:15 yesterday.  It became very real.  I had left the decision to my man and I don’t regret that but I do regret not knowing how to process it all ahead of time.  I love my two children very much.  They bring me joy and lots of work and as they age the work seems to lessen.  Another child would mean another baby and starting all over again.  That choice is a bit much to just bite off and make, however the finality of  yesterday hit me hard with no way to process it all. 

I think we do a great job parenting.  It is what I do full time now.  And in my belief system I didn’t want to be the one to “choose” to not have more little warriors brought into the world through me.  It is a hard choice to make and since I am not alone in parenting I left the choice to my man.  He made it and I agreed with him.  For him.  I am not saying that I’d choose to have more, I’m just saying that I couldn’t choose to not have more.  In my head there is a distinct difference – and I’m the first to say that my head isn’t always clear – so if this doesn’t make sense to you -then sorry about that.  I just need to get it out and not burden my man right now (and somehow make sure he doesn’t read this just yet). 

Hope – there is hope in all of this as well.  As I slipped out of bed last night with a trip down stairs to get some “medicine”  I had some Daddy God time on the couch.  As tears fell I accepted our situation and know that we have closed a chapter in our lives.  I now need to turn the page and get into the next chapter because I know the end of this book is very far away, but if the chapter of carrying, birthing and swaddling another of my blessings comes back around, I know it will be a direct gift and blessing from the Lord without our “planning”.  I have chosen to believe that our family is complete and the only addition over time will be little furry ones (pets) and I am blessed. 

I am happy and blessed beyond measure.  I am also very much reminded of how very thankful that my Saviour has me and I have fully committed my life to Him.  I have recognized that I don’t like making these kind of life altering decisions – and with my submission to my man and my Lord…I don’t really have to.    I have a patient to tend to now. 

With hope for the days to come,


I did not think that this day would ever arrive.  I never planned on starting a blog, mainly because I really don’t like to put my self out there to just anyone to read, but I’m feeling led to do so.  So, in order to be authentic and real (and if you know me in flesh and blood that is pretty much me) I am choosing to write each segment as if I am passing along hope to my daughter.  She is currently 6 years old and therefore far too young to be able to comprehend some of the topics I’ll be chatting about, but none the less I’m pretending.  Any other way and I don’t know that I’d be able to be “real” and I must be “real” or what is the point of all this?

I don’t really have a solid plan for this journey and I don’t know where it will go and for how long.  I plan to blog as often as a can and I plan to share from my heart, my joys, my struggles, and pains.  If I reference a flesh and blood friend then they will have a code name.  I’ll have some fun with that part I am sure!

I’m allowing the Lord to stretch me.  I received and F on an English paper once in English 101 (didn’t help my ego at ALL!!), so just know that grammar isn’t my strong suit and I haven’t arrived at that level of home educating my children yet to have re-learned all I need to – in time. 

So feel free to join me on this journey – I’m not sure where it is going but I do know who is leading it…should be a fun ride!